The Sane Rantings of a Bad Mom
Or… “What You Must Not to do when Raising a Child, lest you Be Wrong” 😉
Everyone said it would. But noooo… I had to be a rebel. I had to use parenting books as kindling, never opened, never read. I had to ignore the “experts” that had to know more than I did about what my kids needed. I had to disagree with uneducated bandwagon mentality people on internet message boards. I just had to have a doctor that didn’t give me her own personal parenting advice, I used her for medical input only. How ridiculous am I?
Autumn is growing a third eye in her forehead. I see the dot starting – looks like a freckle, but I know better – it’s Karma – for being such a bad mom.
Was it the safe and healthy deli meat I ate while pregnant? Maybe the delicious (and safe!) coffee I enjoyed all those months? I know – it was the hot dogs grilled at the Fourth of July party. Those things were sooo good…
Or could it have been because I slept on my back sometimes while pregnant? Or on the “wrong” side? I mean, I wanted to sleep, after all. Silly me, being all selfish like that.
I know… maybe it was because I didn’t stay in the hospital (after my intervention-free labor) for 3 miserable days and let them bother me and the baby for no reason whatsoever. I mean, some people actually think it’s LAW that you have to stay! I should have never gone home right away so I could recover comfortably and be with my family. I see the pattern of my ways now.
Hmmm… could it be because I co-slept? Maybe she shouldn’t have been safe and sound in my bed, where I could nurse on demand and get rest. Or because I didn’t use the clock to determine that she MUST be tired, after all it’s (insert expert’s desired time here)? Because sometimes she stayed up with us to watch a movie, until late at night. We also didn’t have a “bedtime routine”. No bath-book-cuddle. How on earth she ever survived without it – someone tell me. I’m devastated and embarrassed with my behavior.
Or maybe because the timer didn’t go off every three hours when I should have fed her, whether she was hungry or not? Curiouser and curiouser. Oh, maybe it was the Cardinal Sin of Sleeping – she slept on her TUMMY (and actually slept really REALLY great!)! Insert big group gasp here! How COULD I, the responsible mature mother, possibly allow this to happen?? For shame, for shame.
Maybe it was because we didn’t buy the icky jarred foods and gave her our real, delicious foods instead. And she SELF-FED… gasp gasp. After all, if we’re eating wonderful tasty carrots, she should’ve gotten the unspiced bland pureed ones from the expensive jars! Golly, whatever was I thinking? And wow, oh nooooo… we fed her healthy seafood at 6 months… that must be it. The benefits of crab and salmon and shrimp must not outweigh that third eye growing in right now. Wowza. Silly AAP and my doctors to actually agree with what I already knew – I should’ve listened to strangers on the Internet tell me I was wrong and baaaaaaaad. Yup, Cream-O-Meat from a jar would’ve certainly been so much better and we could’ve all smelled like cat food. At least that’s what an “expert” from Gerber says.
Oh, I have another secret. Never once did we do this new thing called “Tummy Time”. Sniffle. What have I done to my poor little girl???? The fact that she can walk upright now is truly a medical mystery to me.
You know what? We never owned a Baby Einstein DVD. Or joined a Mom’s Club. Could that be the reason?? My gawd, she’s lucky she can form words, don’t you think?
Could it be because she moved right from my bed to a mattress on the floor around 14 months? After all, the books say she must go from crib to toddler bed to bed with rails to bed without rails – I think she’s allowed in a bed without rails when she goes to high school, if I’m remembering correctly.
Hmmm. Maybe it’s because I let her have the occasional sweet snack. That’s surely it. After all, sugar is the devil – at least that’s what some new mother said in an internet chat room. Fruit juice, with it’s “natural” sugars, would’ve been a much better choice (insert rolling eyes here). Yeah, that powdered donut or snack bowl with 20 Cocoa Puffs must’ve contributed to this problem. And she barely hit 19 pounds at a year – I should’ve seen the obesity problem beginning then. I better get a grip of the situation before it gets really out of hand. She’s just turned three, she may be at 29 pounds, not sure. What’s that translate on the BMI Index? DAMN YOU LITTLE DEBBIE POWDERED DONUTS – DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!
You know, I chose to give her 2% milk at 12 months instead of whole… I figured I had to counter-act the donuts…
Or maybe – just maybe – it’s because she learned to crawl out the dog’s door around a year and a half old! That certainly MUST be it… it was so cute and funny… but after all, it’s not “normal” for a toddler to go into a clean, safe fenced back yard in a lovely no-crime suburban neighborhood with mom sitting inside at the kitchen table watching from about 10 feet away. She would’ve been safer if I didn’t have the screen door between us – that screen door could mean life or death. WHAT was I thinking? I mean, the sheer fact that she ever, for a millisecond, played in a different room – or even a different floor of the house – without me hovering Right Above Her is SHOCKING! Oh, the insanity of it all!!! Someone stop me before it’s too late!!!
Maybe I really should’ve baby-proofed more. After all, she never paid attention to the cords, or stuck anything in the outlets – but she COULD have! I mean, really, is redirection really a good idea? I mean, I can’t watch her ALL the time, right? I have to blink! I should be locked up for the crazy notions I have.
Predators. Maybe it’s because I don’t think they’re lurking around every corner, waiting to kidnap my kids. (Wait a minute – I KNOW they’re not lurking around every corner!) I’m bad because we go to the mall or on walks and I don’t duct tape her to my waist or force her to be in a stroller. I let her walk ahead of me (and sometimes behind) – I can see her, but you know… those child molesters… they’re there. Everywhere! And I’ll bet they’re fast. I mean the media says so, and they’re never scaremongers, they never sensationalize anything! It’s a wonder I even still have her – with the balloons from her birth and the announcement in the paper and all. They’re everywhere. I feel them watching now. *shivers*
It could be because she learned to climb up on the counters with her stepstool and get pretzels from the snack cabinet by herself when she was about two and a half. She’s so clever, and it’s cute too! But I forget to put the helmet on her! And kneepads… can’t forget those… it’s a dangerous world we live in, with these, these… floors, and… walls, and…. and chairs… and, and hard stuff.
I KNOW!!! It’s because I changed my mind!! It’s because I researched some things like vaccines and breastfeeding and CHANGED MY MIND!! No good mother could ever do that! I mean, at one time I thought my kids needed all of their shots to be safe; but after reading a LOT, I find out that I’m lucky my older kids are okay! DEAR LORD STOP ME FROM LEARNING!! No mother worth her salt could ever ever decide something different than what she thought she would do – that’s certainly the definition of a bad horrible mother! My ideas to practice extended breastfeeding and selective/non vaxes after not doing it with my first two is UNACCEPTABLE!! AAAAAuuughhhhh!
Now at three, we’re surely paying dearly for all of these horrid parenting mistakes. Autumn sleeps very well in her own queen size bed, eats such a huge variety of healthy foods (and gets snacks, and golly gee isn’t obese or anything! it’s like SCARY that she has eaten sugar and isn’t hospitalized, isn’t it?), has a great disposition, is active, happy, healthy, funny, beautiful, and smart. Her brothers, you know, had the same bad mom… and boy, are they messes, with their sports and musical instruments and good grades, and great friends, and physically fit bodies. They’re also funny – and boy, you want to talk current events and politics, that’s my oldest son. And you want to trust a baby or toddler with the 11 year old? You betcha – he’ll put their needs loooong before his own.
I’m ashamed of myself. What was I thinking being a calm, laid back mother, unparanoid, following her instincts and making the right decisions, raising four safe, happy, and healthy children. I must be crazy.
I’m such a bad mom. And I don’t regret a single choice I ever made!