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Ah, trust Stephen to make me smile…

Posted by Sandra on November 5, 2008

Why so serious, everyone? This is America, even Barack Obama can’t fuck it up if he’s elected.

I’m taking an unusually balanced “Hope for the best but prepare for the worst,” approach to this election. I get these occasional fits of maturity, then I’m back to laughing at fart jokes. So let’s run with this one while it’s here.

Things To Remember If Barack Obama Wins.

1) America has survived a Civil War and Jimmy Carter. That’s some serious resilience there, people. Yeah, the Carter thing was a huge blow but we healed and came back strong. We’re the freakin’ Evel Knievel of countries, without the dying part. We try something daring, get busted up and get back on the bike.

2) It’s still football season. We all have a legitimate reason to stare at non-political television and drink beer for the next few months. It’s not a permanent fix but it beats that whiny-assed lawsuit thing the Democrats do every time they lose an election now. Go Steelers!

3) A few extra mirrors in the White House should neutralize Obama. This guy has some constantly metastasizing narcissism going on. Plaster the White House with more mirrors and it will throw him into permanent “Damn, I’m pretty!” mode. He’ll never govern again. He’ll quit the game.

4) BidenTV. We will all be girding our loins for the next meltdown from VP Joe. One week, he’s humping the Turkish ambassador’s leg at a State Dinner, the next he’s saying “When the French & Indian war started, Madeleine Albright immediately got on the stripper pole and played “Flashdance” for Abigail Adams.” Mark my words, people, mark my words.

5) Dude, Sarah. Yeah, we’ve still got her. An Obama win will probably make her stronger than ever. She could vanquish all the dead weight in the GOP with a perfectly manicured backhand. Then we can show them what a “drag” she is on a ticket in 2012 when Palin-(Jindal/Steele/Cantor) drags Jimmy Carter Jr.’s ass out of office. That’s some seriously awesome delayed gratification right there.

It’s not all bad. Barack Obama can’t destroy America in four years. He hasn’t accomplished anything in his political career other than being lucky. Why should we think he’ll be able to do something as president? The first time he realizes that he can’t vote “present” during a crisis he’ll be leg-tingling with Chris Matthews, only the tingle will be warm and induced by fear. He’ll lame-duck himself.

If McCain wins, we’ve been threatened with riots. That’s OK. I’ve not only got Second Amendment rights, I’ve got Second Amendment hardware as well.

Football. Beer. Focus, people.


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