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Notice to All Employees

Posted by Sandra on November 3, 2008

Notice to All Employees

As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama is officially elected into office, our company will install a few new policies which are in keeping with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:

  1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and bonuses into a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you.  This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a fair shake.
  2. All low level workers will be pooling their wages, including overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst you. This will help those who are too busy for overtime to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and can work extra hours.
  3. All top management will now be referred to as the government.  We will not participate in this pooling experience because the law doesn’t apply to us.
  4. The government will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard for the good of all.
  5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it’s good to spread the wealth.   Those of you who have underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel more patriotic.
  6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don’t feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he’ll let you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can’t pay your mortgage.  If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flatscreen TV and a coupon for free haircuts. (Shouldn’t all Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?)
  7. If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to rethink your vote on November 4th.
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